My Voice

During 2016 I had this little idea that I would make a video recording of my voice sometime in 2017 to celebrate my having been around for 10 years writing stuff.

It was just a tiny idea I had at first, which I was very reluctant to follow up on, out of fear that making such a video – to let my audience hear my actual voice, and what I sound like when I talk – would harm my mystique and “mythos.”

I’m using the word “mythos” very loosely here, to point at the mental or imagined “Chloe” that people who have read my essays have created for themselves in their own minds.

So, I didn’t tell anybody about that little idea I had, and I wasn’t going to do it. I just didn’t want to potentially harm my “mythos,” at the time.

But, oddly, and wyrdfully, when 2017 came around, one by one I would get these associates, friends, and penpals I know who would – out of nowhere – ask me about my voice, how I talk, what I sound like.

A couple of my friends/penpals even asked me to give them a recording of my voice so they can at least have a voice to put with all my writings.

And so I promised these handful of people that I’d make a video recording of me talking “sometime this year.” I was going to put it off, like forever.

I’m a genuine believer in Providence [the Living Cosmos]. It’s not a belief. It’s a knowing based on what I have experienced and what I have seen of Life. But my personal belief is that Providence is Formless. And being Formless, it interacts and communicates with each of us through others and through Nature.

And so, I believe that when people out of nowhere wyrdfully say things to you about a topic or subject matter you have been contemplating on secretly or privately, that Providence is Speaking through them to you.

I obediently follow the nudges of Providence; as I have been for these past 10 years. It’s never failed me.

The most recent associate who randomly – out of nowhere –  brought up my voice; saying that he’s never even heard it; was Beast Xeno: just a few days ago! I took BX’s wyrdful mention of hearing my voice to be a nudge from Providence telling me: “Well… do it!”

So, as I promised, I did make a short video recording of me talking. It’s short. I might make more randomly, if or when I think of something to say. But I don’t want to spread myself out too thin and make it a habit. I want to focus myself on writing essays and stories. I don’t want to do podcasts or have a youtube channel.

But I seriously doubt anybody out there is remotely interested in hearing me talk a second time. Besides, it makes me feel insane and uneasy talking to myself out loud all by myself like that.

A few associates have told me – correctly so – that one can learn a lot of revealing things about a person by hearing their voice and listening to how they talk normally. Agreed.

I’m actually not a mean person by nature. But my mood influences how I write often. And so, if I feel moody or angry, I write in a very assertive and aggressive way. But such writings are born from emotional agitation. I’m not a mean person at all. And I’m not aggressive or tough either, in the butch or bull-dike way.

At any rate. The voice video is over at my tumblr: HERE. It sounds better with headphones or earbuds.

 

 

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Temples

 

forgotten…

dilapidated…

unwanted…

unneeded…

i was once used…

to shelter a people…

wherein they went about their business…

from which they built their cities…

and expanded their civilizations away from me…

they have gone their way…

having fallen…

what lives i once housed…

what minds once beheld me…

are lost now in time…

yet i remain…

a shelter to phantoms and memories…

evocative…

provocative…

dark…

haunting…

more alive then i was to them…

these damp walls…

my earthly sent…

my crawling darkness…

my cold silence…

wherein your thoughts and fears echo…

here, in me is your atonement…

atonement with Living Darkness…

let then burn, your myrrh and incense of mars…

and take your place among the shadows.

– Chloe 352 [for Audun, 120yf]